Blogging is a form of therapy for me…in relationships, in work, in pain, in happiness and in all things about life. I have this public blog here where I’ve shared alot of experiences and then I also have a private blog where I write alot of what’s going on in my head – fears, desires, accomplishments, pain, pleasure and that sort of thing. All of you lovely readers are dear friends of mine and I wanted to share a post I wrote last Wednesday, August 4th, because for some reason I feel led to do it. Like maybe it might mean something to someone else and maybe help them with some thoughts or feelings they are having…
When I went out and sat on the steps this morning at my apartment, I was thinking (which I am always doing) and was looking – REALLY LOOKING – at the bricks on the building. They are rough and each one has a uniqueness to it. I contemplated those bricks and how much more interesting they are because they aren’t smooth and uniform.
Maybe with relationships, it’s the same. For me, I know I come with emotional baggage. Sometimes, without my consent, I bring that past disappointment or fear into my current life. That’s what makes me who I am. I have many flaws and imperfections. I see them very clearly. Perhaps it’s those textures that actually make me desirable. Or at least to the right person it does. Because if someone can really get to the heart of me, to the mind of me, to the soul of me…I would never let them go because I would truly be letting them in. If someone has the patience to wait on me to catch up…truly want me as I am…that would be, well, a miracle.
I have the most hope that this will happen. That I will find unconditional love, just as a friend and I were talking about last night. The relationship where I don’t have to conform to anyone else – to have to be that smooth brick when I’m far from it.
Now I’m thinking it’s ok that I have all these textures and imperfections. In reality, they are all there. There’s nothing I can do to change them from being there. However, they make for an interesting and wonderful me…just like the bricks on this apartment complex. Smooth and uniform is boring and easy. Rough and imperfect will be beautiful forever…